MEET Neil Denny, author, trainer and collaborative lawyer.. and regular speaker at MENUNITED!.. He Tells us stress-busting keys for men this Christmas!
Author, presenter, trainer, author and qualified lawyer, Neil Denny who specialises in conflict resolution tells us how intimacy, honesty and communication are stress-busting keys for men during the build up to Christmas! A regular speaker at MENUNITED, Neil explains why men need Christian fellowship with other men, and much more! Read his fascinating Q&A! He'll be writing more in 2012!!
(PICTURES: NEIL DENNEY - VARIOUS, NEIL'S BOOKS, JINGLE BELLS )
The Evangelical Alliance points to 8th January as a peak for divorce - Is this true?
I'm very familiar with the notion of D-Day or divorce day and my gut feeling is it’s a myth put about by the divorce law industry to arouse interest and promote themselves.
I don't buy into it and I wouldn't want to be contributing to an article supporting that sort of promotion idea. It strikes me as being no different to Quiche producers establishing Quiche week in the middle of August on some spurious claim that some supermarkets sell more quiche for picnics in that particular week and getting quiche press coverage on the back of it. The D-Day story does nothing to serve families nor honour any Christian point of view.
How long have you been in Bath?
Neil Denny, lives in Bath came here to study in 1990 and moved away and been back in Bath since 2000.
As well as being an international speaker, including for MENUNITED you have your own company All L D (learning and development), how did you get involved in training and presenting?
I'm an author, presenter trainer and lawyer, my training work is in areas of conflict resolution and I've had a couple of books published 'Conversational riffs; creating meeting out of conflict' and 'The Collaborative Law Companion', for family law practitioners.
My primary target these days is dealing with conflict resolution skills in businesses.
When I became a Christian six years ago I realised it would be very difficult to do divorce law and have a Christian faith and I resolved to get out of it. I felt it was 
important to get a broader awareness of how individuals could manage conflict better in the hope that this might actually make some impact in keeping families together.
I realised I had the choice of either speaking at community centres up and down the country or to speak to the individuals in businesses and organisations, knowing that the skills I was teaching there would be taken back into the delegates homes anyway! The Learning and Development company gives me a vehicle to deliver that kind of material. These days I work with individuals and get to see them grow. It is very exciting.
Tell us more about your books?
'The Collaborative Law Companion' sets out a process where a separating couple would each have their own lawyer and come together around a table for a series of meetings. They commit to working together to find a solution. It is a far more harmonious process than sending letters back and forth.
I often say in collaborative practice we can get through in two hours what would otherwise take two months in correspondence between lawyers. Clients get to see everything that happens and the process helps rebuild some kind of trust.
Conversational Riffs is a book for anyone who wants to be able to deal with conflict better. It looks at how we tend to respond to conflict situations badly, usually by going on the attack, defence or counter-attack. We need better responses to help us to bear with one another when conflict arises. This book sets out a whole 
collection of more creative, productive ways to communicate through the difficult stuff in our homes, churches and workplaces.
Can Christmas put an unique pressure on men?
Yes, without a doubt and thinking about where that pressure comes from is important. There is a massive expectation on us all to “deliver” and it seems to me that expectation is on a variety of levels; materially - with presents, delivering a memorable day, a real event day and for men to deliver themselves at their very best, that is, to show up on the day being witty, a loving husband and father despite all the other anxieties.
What advice or tips would you give to men?
It sounds like a glib answer but I would say the answer is communication, communication and more communication. To all those men with partners and children, find ways to speak about the pressures you are feeling with your wives and partners. Make it possible for them also to share how they are feeling.
Our relationships are so much more intimate when we can confess “You know, I’m feeling under a great deal of pressure. Can you help me?”
If it is a question of finances then we have to have that difficult conversation with our partner, and think “How are we going to work together to manage our childrens’, or one another’s, expectations so far as gifting is concerned?"
A lot of men feel it is down to them to lay on everything but of course we were never meant to go it alone. We are not meant to be toiling in isolation and going through these things without help – prayer and fellowship with partners and other Christian men are crucial.
I look at MENUNITED and the work that Don Latham does and I'm really very blessed – this is the third December running that I've been invited to speak there. It feels special sharing material and encouragement as we go into the Christmas break.
Why does MENUNITED work?
There's a cracking breakfast! and it gets men to be intimate and vulnerable together and to share the stuff which is difficult.
It can feel difficult and it is counter-cultural for men to say to each other that they feel vulnerable. When they start to be honest with fellow Christian men then it very quickly becomes very easy. 
Why is meeting with other men so important?
Take my situation. I'm a member of a small men’s fellowship group. That is to say there are only a few of us, not, necessarily, that none of us are very tall.
We meet once a month and its one of the most fixed dates in my diary. It is really important for me to get to that and share that burden.
There is a passage in Hebrews which speaks of importance of men meeting with other men .. 'let’s not stop meeting together as other men do..' When we meet regularly then we can give huge encouragement to one another. It becomes possible to share the burdens and it saves our wives so much of our sulking and difficult behaviour!
I find spending time in fellowship in this way to be very energising. It rejuvenates and feels like a flush through. As men we can hold ourselves accountable to other men by sharing things with people and when we do that, then we can start to see real progress on dealing with issues that we might have been wrestling with alone for many years.
This is exactly what I will be sharing with the men at MenUnited on December 3rd, at the Slug and Lettuce, George St at 7.30am, essentially how can we expect to see breakthroughs in our lives as Christian men and what might that look like.